As I pack up to leave tomorrow saying goodbye to Budapest gets closer and closer. I’m not sure how I could possibly properly thank this beautiful city for all the things I’ve seen and experienced. I’ve learned more than I could have asked for and grown up a little bit too.
I’m not sure how many of you know this, but I never really wanted to go abroad (hang on I’ll explain). It’s funny because if you asked my mom she’d probably tell you I am her most independent child (I’m not even sure my siblings would argue with this one; I mean how often do kids beg their parents to send them off to boarding school?). An independent kid like me should want to explore the world and see everything there is to find. That’s partly true, but I think a lot of my independence came from trying to find the place where my square peg would fit. I’ve always been searching for communities that I fit into; not looking for places that are vastly different. Once I found Wellesley I never wanted a minute without it. Of course you can go a million miles from Wellesley and it will always follow you, but it took going across the world to understand that. Even more than leaving the one place in the world I seem to belong in effortlessly I was terrified of not being able to handle spending an entire semester in Budapest.
Due to growing up with American parents who have never really traveled the world and living most of my life in a place where most people don’t really travel the world, I feel as though I had even less understanding of what it would be like to be abroad. Realizing my lack of experience with and knowledge of different places in the world fueled my fear to never leave my safe home in the States. So, why on earth did I do this? And, do I regret it?
I ended up making the decision to go abroad after the community I trusted and loved at Wellesley seemed to almost insist upon it. I remember expressing my fear of going abroad to one of my computer science professors only for him to respond, “Being afraid of going and never having explored the world is exactly why you should go!” And shortly after that hearing a friend go on and on about how Budapest is her favorite city in the world. Finally, I decided that going to Budapest was the right choice even if I didn’t entirely want to go. In the end I decided what I could deduce being good for me was a better option than what I actually wanted to do based on fear and ignorance.
So, here I’ve been in Budapest for almost 4 months. It’s been one of the most important experiences of my life, and I’m extremely grateful to have had this opportunity. When I get home I know that everyone is going to ask me how it was and expect my response to be something along the lines of, “it was a blast! I loved every minute! I miss it so much and I want to go back!!!” But, it wasn’t always a blast, I didn’t love every minute, and it may take a while before the joy of being home wears down enough for me to miss Budapest. The reality of homesickness even for the massively independent Wellesley girl is too real. And, I have spent many moments this semester wishing I could just close my eyes and teleport back home. I guess I should not have always prided myself on not getting homesick since all the homesickness I should’ve had at summer camp, boarding school, and Wellesley came back with a vengeance this term.
With all this I don’t mean to say I did not have a blast and that I did not love any minute. I have had so many laughs and moments of amazement in Budapest. I’ll never get over the feeling of walking by a castle and looking up at it speechless by its beauty. Everywhere I’ve been in Europe this term is so old and beautiful and it already feels like all those places were a dream. How lucky am I to get to experience so much culture, food, art, and history? At a time when the world looks as if it might fall apart I’ve been constantly reminded of the beauty and adventure there is to be had. That reminder has filled me with hope that we can bring the world together through adventures in understanding each other’s cultures.
After this I am so excited to go home to my family and to get back to my Wellesley. In January I will be participating in the Albright Institute at Wellesley and I’m thrilled to be able to bring my new perspectives and open mind to a place where young women use their minds year after year to chip away at the world’s problems. I’ll be brain-storming ways to improve global education and get to meet some of the world’s greatest. It still doesn’t feel real yet, and as soon as it is real I guess Budapest will have started to fade into a dream. Life’s funny that way only letting us hold on to little bits of things we’ve had.
Well, off I go to finish packing, eat one last sandwich at Bors, and then catch a couple zzz’s before jumping on the first plane back HOME.
Hello dearest friends :)
I’m sorry my underground blog hasn’t been around for a while.
But, here’s a nice long post to make up for it. First, let’s discuss the Hungarian boyfriend I somehow ended up with. I met him via tinder and showed up to our first date drunk. So, you think that would’ve scared him off, but I guess he just liked me anyway. First date turned into a second, second into a third and next thing you know I was spending a surprising amount of time with this guy. I know you’re thinking, “So, why is this surprising?”
Well, if you know the part where I kind of get a confused look when people ask, “well, do you like him?” and I just don’t really know. Or the part where I can’t really figure out if I actually like men at all. Many of you know I spend an ungodly amount of time thinking about human relationships and whether or not you can actually find someone to be your other half. So, let’s not talk about whether or not I really like this guy (I think I do?) and instead discuss the idea of relationships of convenience (convenience is easily one of the hardest words to spell geez).
This semester has made me incredibly lonely. The lonely version of me watches way too much Netflix and eats what should be an illegal amount of McDonald’s. It’s unhealthy. Anyone can see that. So, what do I do? I guess apparently lonely me is driven to obtain a boyfriend of convenience. It’s actually pretty fun to go out with someone who constantly tells you you’re pretty and always takes you home when you’re too drunk. What’s not fun is feeling kinda weird when you realize that boyfriend of convenience thinks you’re so amazing he basically loves you. Here’s the thing: english is his 3rd language but I still think he’s kind of serious, and as far as I know I don’t fall in love. I fall in love with puppies, close friends, celebrities, acquaintances, strangers, anyone except someone I’m sort of dating in any way. Because falling in actual romantic love is terrifying and I can’t handle it. Because falling in actual romantic love means I have to care that I leave town in 14 hours and I just can’t care about that right now. Because falling in actual romantic love means that someone else’s life and schedule gets to influence and control mine. I have places to be man; don’t fall in love with me.
How broken do I sound? There was a time where I would’ve died to have a SO. But now all I want is to be surrounded by my close friends and for eating pizza to be the closest thing to sex in my life for a while. I think maybe my search for some answer to the “I move every three months and keep half-breaking my heart with summer, winter, and spring flings” problem broke me a little. But, I also have started to feel whole again. You see, there’s this girl who almost shattered my heart and fucked me up a little last spring. And now, I’m not so hurt anymore. Unfortunately maybe I hurt someone else in the process of my healing, but maybe I’ve learned and maybe I’m ok now.
One thing I do know is that I’ll always be wondering about things like modern romance and relationships of convenience and whether or not I really will find another whole person to tie my life together with.
Another thing I realize that I really appreciate about every quasi-relationship fling thing is that I always tend to open up to the people I’m sleeping with and learn something about myself or the world from them. That learning experience may make this whole fucked up process worth it.
Hungarian boyfriend thinks I’m a positivist. I actually don’t think I’m entirely a positivist, but he’s not entirely wrong. It’s funny how you can know someone for just a short while and they can get inside your head without you knowingly giving them a key. Anyway, I kind of liked the idea of being a positivist and wrote a poem about it:
Call me a positivist
I think in numbers
Trying to calculate
Who I am
Maybe if I’ve got a proof
Then I no longer need
To prove myself to everyone
And anyone who demands
My company and an explanation
Of what I believe
Maybe I just believe what I know
Maybe I wish all truth was the same
Maybe I wish I could say
You know who I am
Here’s the equation
Solve it
Tell me who I am
I know who you are
I proved it
I can prove anything you’d like
Move here with me
To the world of numbers
Let’s speak in axioms
And pretend everything
Is decidable
Simple truths we know
If we never leave
Numbers will never stop growing
And we’ll move on
To infinity
And, now for a funny drunk Cali story since I’m sure you all miss those and really wish that’s what this blog was about:
Once upon a time my dumb school called AIT made us go to a closing ceremony. The closing ceremony was long and awful, but I bought champagne before hand. And after, I drank an entire bottle of that champagne at dinner to celebrate the end of the term. Then, on my way back home I drank a bunch of wine with some friends as we waited for the train. At this point I was so far gone I smoked a cigarette and we all know how drunk that means I was. After we got on the train one of my friends started playing rap music on his portable speaker which ended up in my hand as I danced like a crazy person all the way to Batthány Tér. It was great, and then my flatmate took me home, I got some McDonald’s it was perfect (and like 10PM). I then attempted to Skype my friend Adrienne who had to think I was a complete mess. After all that I was supposed to meet up with other AIT students at a club. Instead, I woke up at 8AM not remembering how I got in my bed and realizing I’d never left my apartment at all. So, I’m a drunk who can’t even show up to the party is what I’m saying. (Please still be my friend).
Ok, I’m gonna get ready to go now! I’ll see a lot of you so soon and I’m SUPER FUCKING PUMPED about it :D
I’m sorry my underground blog hasn’t been around for a while.
But, here’s a nice long post to make up for it. First, let’s discuss the Hungarian boyfriend I somehow ended up with. I met him via tinder and showed up to our first date drunk. So, you think that would’ve scared him off, but I guess he just liked me anyway. First date turned into a second, second into a third and next thing you know I was spending a surprising amount of time with this guy. I know you’re thinking, “So, why is this surprising?”
Well, if you know the part where I kind of get a confused look when people ask, “well, do you like him?” and I just don’t really know. Or the part where I can’t really figure out if I actually like men at all. Many of you know I spend an ungodly amount of time thinking about human relationships and whether or not you can actually find someone to be your other half. So, let’s not talk about whether or not I really like this guy (I think I do?) and instead discuss the idea of relationships of convenience (convenience is easily one of the hardest words to spell geez).
This semester has made me incredibly lonely. The lonely version of me watches way too much Netflix and eats what should be an illegal amount of McDonald’s. It’s unhealthy. Anyone can see that. So, what do I do? I guess apparently lonely me is driven to obtain a boyfriend of convenience. It’s actually pretty fun to go out with someone who constantly tells you you’re pretty and always takes you home when you’re too drunk. What’s not fun is feeling kinda weird when you realize that boyfriend of convenience thinks you’re so amazing he basically loves you. Here’s the thing: english is his 3rd language but I still think he’s kind of serious, and as far as I know I don’t fall in love. I fall in love with puppies, close friends, celebrities, acquaintances, strangers, anyone except someone I’m sort of dating in any way. Because falling in actual romantic love is terrifying and I can’t handle it. Because falling in actual romantic love means I have to care that I leave town in 14 hours and I just can’t care about that right now. Because falling in actual romantic love means that someone else’s life and schedule gets to influence and control mine. I have places to be man; don’t fall in love with me.
How broken do I sound? There was a time where I would’ve died to have a SO. But now all I want is to be surrounded by my close friends and for eating pizza to be the closest thing to sex in my life for a while. I think maybe my search for some answer to the “I move every three months and keep half-breaking my heart with summer, winter, and spring flings” problem broke me a little. But, I also have started to feel whole again. You see, there’s this girl who almost shattered my heart and fucked me up a little last spring. And now, I’m not so hurt anymore. Unfortunately maybe I hurt someone else in the process of my healing, but maybe I’ve learned and maybe I’m ok now.
One thing I do know is that I’ll always be wondering about things like modern romance and relationships of convenience and whether or not I really will find another whole person to tie my life together with.
Another thing I realize that I really appreciate about every quasi-relationship fling thing is that I always tend to open up to the people I’m sleeping with and learn something about myself or the world from them. That learning experience may make this whole fucked up process worth it.
Hungarian boyfriend thinks I’m a positivist. I actually don’t think I’m entirely a positivist, but he’s not entirely wrong. It’s funny how you can know someone for just a short while and they can get inside your head without you knowingly giving them a key. Anyway, I kind of liked the idea of being a positivist and wrote a poem about it:
Call me a positivist
I think in numbers
Trying to calculate
Who I am
Maybe if I’ve got a proof
Then I no longer need
To prove myself to everyone
And anyone who demands
My company and an explanation
Of what I believe
Maybe I just believe what I know
Maybe I wish all truth was the same
Maybe I wish I could say
You know who I am
Here’s the equation
Solve it
Tell me who I am
I know who you are
I proved it
I can prove anything you’d like
Move here with me
To the world of numbers
Let’s speak in axioms
And pretend everything
Is decidable
Simple truths we know
If we never leave
Numbers will never stop growing
And we’ll move on
To infinity
And, now for a funny drunk Cali story since I’m sure you all miss those and really wish that’s what this blog was about:
Once upon a time my dumb school called AIT made us go to a closing ceremony. The closing ceremony was long and awful, but I bought champagne before hand. And after, I drank an entire bottle of that champagne at dinner to celebrate the end of the term. Then, on my way back home I drank a bunch of wine with some friends as we waited for the train. At this point I was so far gone I smoked a cigarette and we all know how drunk that means I was. After we got on the train one of my friends started playing rap music on his portable speaker which ended up in my hand as I danced like a crazy person all the way to Batthány Tér. It was great, and then my flatmate took me home, I got some McDonald’s it was perfect (and like 10PM). I then attempted to Skype my friend Adrienne who had to think I was a complete mess. After all that I was supposed to meet up with other AIT students at a club. Instead, I woke up at 8AM not remembering how I got in my bed and realizing I’d never left my apartment at all. So, I’m a drunk who can’t even show up to the party is what I’m saying. (Please still be my friend).
Ok, I’m gonna get ready to go now! I’ll see a lot of you so soon and I’m SUPER FUCKING PUMPED about it :D
No comments:
Post a Comment